After our cat, Shadow, passed away last year, I decided that I would never get another one. I have lost too many beloved pets over the years, and it becomes more and more difficult each time. I have enough trouble dealing with the death of a bird or a bee … so I can’t even bear to think about eventually letting go of Shadow’s sister, Smudge, much less any more house pets or familiars….
But then Ember came into my life.
Ember was a little guy—less than a month old, from what I could guess. He still had blue eyes and was wobbly on his feet. He was found abandoned at a construction site and then spent a few days in a garage before he was given to me.
I fell completely in love with him instantly. And the feeling was mutual. Ember spent the next two days nestled against my neck or hanging out in my shirt. He did “happy paws” while he purred loudly and chewed my hair. He was my little dragon … and I dared to envision our life together.
I planned to bring him everywhere with me. So I did.
I should not have.
Ember came into my life late in the afternoon on Sunday, August 25th, and was gone on Wednesday morning, August 28th … a year and two days after we lost Shadow. Ember apparently had fading kitten syndrome. I had never heard of it, and I did not see the signs.
Obviously, I made several terrible mistakes by not immediately taking him to the vet … and by taking him on vacation. I don’t know for sure if it would have made a difference or not, but knowing that he could still be here if I had made different choices is absolutely killing me. I would give almost anything to go back in time and do things differently, even if the result was the same.
I feel I should have seen this coming and could have prevented it. I had fears, but I brushed them off. I did not listen to my inner voice that told me to cancel the vacation. I did not heed the warnings I saw in the painting I was working on, showing a skeletal hand building a rainbow bridge over the ocean. I ignored the tarot reading I did for the year that told me that my heart would be broken in August.
And now, almost exactly to the day a year after Shadow died, I brought Ember home and buried him next to Shadow under my dragon statue.
I have cried every day for more than a week now, and the hole in my heart does not feel “kitten-sized” … it feels like my heart has absolutely been ripped out of my chest. My heart is broken, and I do not think it can ever be mended. This loss was catastrophic.
Overnight, my life has changed from an overall feeling of happiness, rainbows, and sunshine to a life that feels cold, dark, and gray. I try to tell myself that this was meant to be. That Ember was too special to stay here for long and is now a fierce and loyal dragon watching over me. But it doesn’t help to dull the pain. This pain is going to stay with me until the end of my days.
Don’t worry, I will be okay. I have to be. I have too many people that love me and count on me to be there for them. And I owe it to Ember to learn something from his short little life.
I learned that time has no meaning when it comes to love. You can love something or someone completely … in an instant.
I also learned not to take those instances for granted because just as quickly, they can be gone.
One day I was living my life and this little kitten came into it and it changed overnight. Suddenly, my life and the life of this little kitten were merged. We were going to go through our lives together. And, then, just as suddenly, that dream was over.
I learned that I need to trust my inner voice. I have been learning to listen to it for years … now I need to learn to trust it and heed what it says.
I am thankful that I got to love him. I am happy that during the last few days of his short little life, he was able to feel a mother’s love. I am grateful for every minute I spent with him.
I learned that even though I am dealing with this incredible pain, I cannot shut my heart off from loving another pet if one comes into my life again. And, I wouldn’t trade those two days with Ember to take this pain away. I will always have those memories, and because the time was so short, I remember every second of them.
I love you, Ember.
For as long as I can remember, I always wanted to be a Grandma. I was fortunate to have two wonderful grandmothers while I was growing up and I have many happy memories of each of them. Today, I live in a “Grandmother’s House” where my husband and I enjoy lots of time with our family. In addition to my role as Grandma to nine grandchildren, I am a daughter, a wife, a mother of three grown children, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a writer, an artist … and a witch.
✨Grandma’s Grimoire✨ is a collection of family wisdom interwoven with a touch of magick. Our goal is to create a living and lasting legacy that we hope will inspire our future generations as well as anyone who is drawn to it.